BRITNEY'S VAGINA MONOLOGUES.
Dear
Lord, the picture above has got to be the
worst picture of Britney Spears in the history of
the fucking Universe. Poor girl looks exactly
the way one appears when Shang
Tsung is about 2/3rds done
draining you of your immortal soul. Either that,
or she spent the last million years crouched
beneath the earth ala the creatures from
the Time Machine, avoiding the sun for many a
millennia at all costs. But then again, last
time I checked, that shit actually made you more
brilliant if Jeremy Irons character is to be
believed, so umm, never mind. Sub-terranean
Evolutionary super-Geniuses don't forget to wear
fucking underwear, after
all.
Seriously though, who'd have
thunk that it was Kevin Federline who actually had
his shit together all this time? Sure, buddy has
enough raw talent to fill a thimble, but at least
he can go out into sunlight without bursting into
flames, and we haven't seen him exiting a
vehicle all cock and balls. K-Fed has his head on
straight, I'm telling you. He puts his baggy
wigger pants on, one ridiculously over-sized leg
at a time, just like you and me. He hasn't let
talent go to his head. Or any part of his body.
Anywhere.
Anyway, I don't like talking about Britney
usually, but everyone and their
mongoloid brother has had the opportunity to
poke fun at her, and now it's my turn, damn it. My
absolute favorite Britney-related faux pas
was her recent trek to the nightclubs... sans
panties, as I already so-tactlessly alluded to
earlier. A paparazzi photographer was
then able to snap shot (snatch shot?) some
revealing angles as she exited the car. It wasn't
until PARIS HILTON (who was with her) motioned to
her to "close her legs" that she even caught wind
of the situation. And you know what? When Paris
fucking Hilton is the angel on your shoulder
urging you to show some class and tact, it's
clearly time to re-evaluate yourself as a
human being.
All in all, there seems to be a
strange trend going about
Hollywood lately with certain young starlets
"forgetting" their underwear. Who the fuck forgets
their underwear? Believe me, no one buys that
excuse, and I should know, my lawyer tried to
build an entire defense case around this very
scenario. Of course, I was also wearing a
balaclava, and had been carrying a roll of
duct tape at the time, so that may have been
it. Maybe.
Now, as for the pictures themselves, I
*could* show you the uncensored shot, but I
wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. After
shitting out K-Fed's latest kid, Poor Britney's
nether regions looked as if someone held a
lighter to the crotch of a wax sculpture. I'm
telling you, for a 20-something year old woman,
that shit was scary. It was like a deadheat
between two comically gigantic
pancakes. It wasn't pretty. Having sex with
her these days is probably akin to Tom Cruise
being slowly sucked up into that
sphincter in the alien walkers in War of the
Worlds. Clearly, there was a reason God invented
pubic hair. It's like a beard for ugly
people!
Anyway, since her split with the
aforementioned K-Fed, Britney hasn't exactly been
winning people over. Hell, even her music label is
allegedly thinking of dumping her altogether. What
a shame. But all's not lost. She
does have a future in movies~! All she needs to do
is talk fellow pantyless sisters-in-twats
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton into making a
remake of SNATCH. And this time all the
Pikeys can hide in her lovehole until the shit
goes down. There's more than enough
room.
Yup. that's how we're going out
here....
I'm Sean.
*Credit to WWTDD the top
Britney pic.
** Credit
to...ME~! for Snatch DVD
pic.
