BRITNEY'S VAGINA
MONOLOGUES.
Dear
Lord, the picture above has got to
be the worst picture of Britney Spears in the history of the
fucking Universe. Poor girl looks exactly the way one
appears when Shang Tsung is
about 2/3rds done draining you of your immortal soul. Either
that, or she spent the last million years crouched
beneath the earth ala the creatures from the Time Machine, avoiding the
sun for many a millennia at all costs. But then
again, last time I checked, that shit actually made you
more brilliant if Jeremy Irons character is to be believed, so
umm, never mind. Sub-terranean Evolutionary
super-Geniuses don't forget to wear fucking underwear, after
all.
Seriously though, who'd have thunk
that it was Kevin Federline who actually had his shit together
all this time? Sure, buddy has enough raw talent to fill a
thimble, but at least he can go out into sunlight without
bursting into flames, and we haven't seen him exiting
a vehicle all cock and balls. K-Fed has his head on straight, I'm telling you. He puts his baggy
wigger pants on, one ridiculously over-sized leg at a time,
just like you and me. He hasn't let talent go to his head.
Or any part of his body.
Anywhere.
Anyway, I don't like talking about
Britney usually, but everyone and
their mongoloid brother has had the opportunity to poke fun
at her, and now it's my turn, damn it. My absolute favorite Britney-related
faux pas was her recent trek to
the nightclubs... sans panties, as I already so-tactlessly
alluded to earlier. A paparazzi photographer was then able to
snap shot (snatch shot?) some revealing angles as she exited the
car. It wasn't until PARIS HILTON (who was with her) motioned
to her to "close her legs" that she even caught wind of
the situation. And you know what? When Paris fucking Hilton is
the angel on your shoulder urging you to show some class and
tact, it's clearly time to re-evaluate yourself as a
human being.
All in all, there seems to be a
strange trend going about Hollywood lately with
certain young starlets "forgetting" their underwear. Who the
fuck forgets their underwear? Believe
me, no one buys that excuse, and I
should know, my lawyer tried to
build an entire defense case around this very scenario.
Of course, I was also wearing a balaclava, and had been carrying a
roll of duct tape at the time, so that may have
been it. Maybe.
Now, as for the pictures themselves, I
*could* show you the uncensored shot, but I wouldn't wish that
on my worst enemy. After shitting
out K-Fed's latest kid, Poor Britney's nether regions looked as if
someone held a lighter to the crotch of a wax sculpture. I'm
telling you, for a 20-something year old
woman, that shit was scary. It was like a deadheat between two
comically gigantic pancakes. It wasn't pretty. Having sex with her these
days is probably akin to Tom Cruise being slowly sucked
up into that sphincter in the alien walkers in War of the
Worlds. Clearly, there was a reason God invented pubic hair.
It's like a beard for ugly people!
Anyway, since her split with the
aforementioned K-Fed, Britney hasn't exactly been winning
people over. Hell, even her music label is allegedly thinking
of dumping her altogether. What a shame. But all's
not lost. She does have a future in movies~! All she
needs to do is talk fellow pantyless sisters-in-twats
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton into making a remake
of SNATCH. And this time all the Pikeys can
hide in her lovehole until the shit goes down. There's more
than enough room.
Yup. that's
how we're going out here....
I'm
Sean.
*Credit to WWTDD the top Britney
pic.
** Credit to...ME~! for Snatch DVD
pic.
