WWE
VENGEANCE
2004(07/11/04)
Hey, there
party people, I'm your host Sean Carless, and welcome to
Vengeance! A Show that vows unrelenting revenge on its
viewers. I was going to ask just how they were going to
go about accomplishing this, then I noticed Coach was actually
scheduled to WRESTLE here tonight. Mission
Accomplished!
We are
LIVE from Hartford Connecticut! Former home of the Whalers.
Wait. Whalers? Huh. If I was Steph, I might not follow the
urge to hit the beach at all while here. That name had to be
inspired by something. The last thing she'll
see is a bunch of angry fisherman running in her
direction with spears and a net. It's clearly just not
worth it.
Anyhoo,
before we get to the pay-per-viewy festivities here, I have to
apologize in advance, because I'm rockin' a hangover the likes
of which people cannot possibly imagine. Well, except
maybe Scott Hall. Thankfully, in my case, unlike Scott, I
didn't suddenly get the urge to violate the elderly.
Although, this might explain why my Grandma never visits here
anymore. Can't be too careful. Yup. Anyway, to make a
long story short, this recappery is going to be the quick and
dirty version. So, stay tuned for the dreaded half ass.
But rest assured, my other cheek will be back in the game soon
enough.
Onto the
show!
On Heat:
The guy with the huge penis (Val Venis) loses to the guy who
looks like one (Tyson Tomko). A kick is involved, but work
rate is not.
Opening
match:
Tajiri & Rhyno vs. Garrison
Cade & Jonathan
Coachman;
Just to
let you in on what's going down here, Rhino, has been
on a QUEST, yes a quest, to find a full-time tag team
partner to thwart the evil French duo who nonsensically
hate America SO much that they relocated from France to
Quebec for reasons that they explained as "we wanted to
be closer to America...to thwart it.". Huh. If that's La
Résistance's reasoning, why not just move to
America then? Is it too much to ask in a sport where a woman
barters her boyfriend's life for sex with a demon, that there
be some sort of continuity and sense? I'm begging you.
Oh, in any event, Rhino looked to have picked Val Venis as his
heterosexual life-mate, but that eventually fizzled for
whatever reason. Turns out they didn't have much in common.
You know, other than goring people with their "horns". That's
right.
Anyway,
since then, Rhino seems to have settled on former partner
in arms (albeit not comparable sized ones) in the
former "ECW Network",Tajiri. How nice. I'd be lying if I
said I didn't hope the whole journey would end with an Al
Snow/ Rhyno tandem though. My dream of a team called "Al Gore"
will have to wait. For now.
Anyway, the Network's first test is against the
time-tested rock-solid team of... Garrison Cade & Coach?
Dear lord. I'm thinking there's probably a better chance of
that fucking basketball team that always plays the
Globetrotters to pull off a win there, then Coach and Cade
have here. And no offense to Cade or anything, but
sadly, finding his
charisma is like the world’s longest game of "Where’s
Waldo?".
Anyway, the heels isolate Tajiri for most of the match,
until he makes a hot tag to Rhyno, and he destroys everything
like a bull in a China shop. Wait. A Rhyno in a China
shop. Wait. A RHYNO IN A CHYNA SHOP. That's better. The letter
"i" has as much business in the wrestling world as anything
ending in the letter "S". (Z's are EXTREME!). The end sees Rhyno gore Cade to the floor
after getting Tajiri’s mist in his the face. This
then left Coachman to eat a kick of DEATH (if
only) to count the lights.
Winners:
Rhyno and Tajiri, the Japanese Buzzsaw. No word on
whether Japanese carpenters actually cut their wood
with diminutive Japanese guys with baggy pants. But I'll find
out. Definitely.
-Backstage, Evolution complains about Eugene,
but Hunter says not to worry as he has a Master plan. A
Master plan that completely hinges on a retard. Ya, that's a
pretty solid plan. I then start to wonder how many other
"master plans" went awry thanks to the disabled: Hitler chose
to invade Russia as opposed to England, because the mongoloid
he befriended said it'd be funner because it was cold there
and they could make snowmen. Alexander the Great, rolled
into India, because he heard they blatantly refused to
create wheelchair ramps and this upset his moral convictions.
A deaf guy passed along the vital info of "Beware the
ides of March" to Julius Caesar, but read the guy's lips as
"Beware the Pies in March" and poor Caesar banned all baked
goods for the month, rather than putting on some
fucking armor. ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY HAPPENED,
and wasn't just a lame way to kill time. Trust
me.
Just
then, HHH sees CHRIS BENOIT conversing with Eugene.
Benoit is apparently bashing Evolution to him.
"Eugene, Man came from the inspired image of the Lord...
not a monkey!" says Chris. "And they've
never even found the bones to conclusively prove
their stance! " he continues. It's then
that HHH is thankfully able to pull Eugene away before Benoit
debunks the earth being "millions of years old"
by telling him the amazing story of Dinosaur
Jesus. OK, maybe not. He just said they were all
"bad and stuff". I like my version
better.
Chris Jericho vs.
Batista;
Boy oh
boy, Batista had an off night here. It's like Y2J shot
him with the De-Evolution gun (HIYO) from the Super Mario
Bros. movie. In one night, he almost undid all the progress
he's made.
Anyway,
the story here is that the Raw Animal (maybe he should
masturbate with lotion? Oh, JR meant, umm, never mind.) has
recently been KILLING PEOPLE DEAD with his clothesline of
DEATH and Jericho was his latest victim. Normally, a
clothesline that lethal would be from HELL, but
apparently Satan only trained JBL to use that move. You know,
before inspiring a series of increasingly dangerous steel
cages. True story. Anyway, Batista dominates early on, but Y2J
rallies after countering out of a Batista-bomb attempt. Soon
after, Jericho attempts the LIONSAULT, but Batista spoils
the plight of the glorious airborne lion by getting his
knees up. If only gazelles and zebras had the same
presence of mind to thwart real-life lions when they
attempt such aerial wizardry. They'd live
longer. Clearly. From there, Jericho regains the
advantage with his flying enziguiri, but Dave gets his big
inflatable leg on the ropes. Seconds later, Batista catches
Jericho with the spinebuster, and gets the demon bomb. Batista
then gets the cover and the pin, despite Jericho himself
getting his leg on the ropes. That's good enough to see ol'
Pseudo Sid here leave the ring a winner, and with a clean pair
of underwear to boot. The real Sid sadly could
never make that same boast.
(seriously.).
Winner:
The Animal Batista! Just what animal that might be has yet to
be fully explained. All I know is, I'd mark if every time
Batista's in trouble, a group of PETA activists ran in and
made the save for him. Or at the very most tossed paint on his
opponents. Yup.
/5
-Backstage, we see HHH, Flair and Eugene. HHH
tries to make sure he and Eugene are on the same page. HHH
then says he has a "present" for Eugene. It turns out to be a
Ric Flair robe. Eugene then lets out a wooooo!... before
asking if it was the same one Ric wore while he swung his dick
for that stewardess. Ok, maybe not.
(C) La
Résistance version trois vs. "The Dirtiest Retards in the
Game" (Ric Flair & Eugene) World Tag team
Titles.
This was
easily the best Ric Flair/Retard pairing since his partnership
with Lex Luger in WCW. Or maybe I just wanted to use that
line. I don't know. All I do know is, Flair and Eugene
actually do have more in common than you'd think. For example,
Flair was once a HORSEmen, and Eugene eats gluesticks, which
are MADE from HORSES. Coincidence? Pretty
much.
Anyway,
I'd be lying if I said there wasn't tremendous babyface
reactions for Flair & Eugene here. Flair was GOLD selling
the disbelief as Eugene mimicked every move from the Flair
playbook, including the eye-poke, low-blows and even a Flair
flop. Funny, whenever I coach a mentally handicapped person
into doing evil things, I'm labeled the "bad guy", yet when
Flair does it, he's celebrated. One of these days, I'll be
acknowledged for my breakthroughs in the handicapped
community. One day. Eugene continues on with the
offense, and I laugh at JR putting over that Eugene doesn't
know his own strength. Then I remember that the bulk of power
lifters in the Special Olympics are mongoloids, and I change
my stance. Retards ARE STRONG. There's even been
some cases where they can lift a car right off the
ground. An ability that'll come in handy next time I'm driving
in their direction. That's right. Eventually, Flair tags in
and gets a huge reaction as well. He works over both members
of La Rez to thunderous applause. He eventually looks to
finish Conway with the figure four, but Grenier sneaks in and
breaks that up. Hey, in a side note, did you know Grenier is
actually French for "attic"? Seriously it is. Funny, I always
assumed it meant back door. Don't ask me why. (like you'd even
have to...). After that, Flair gets worked over and plays
Ricky Morton (only made completely out of spam) in a long heat
segment, until Eugene FINALLY "tards-up" and attacks everyone
in sight (including the referee) causing a disqualification.
Winners by
DQ and STILL Champions: La Résistance, who can now return
to Quebec and continue to plot "their revenge" against
America. I'd say their title reign is good enough, but hey,
what do I know.
Kane vs. Matt
Hardy w/ Lita w/Rosemary’s baby; No DQ match.
Hey, I wonder if they make mesh shirts and
thongs in maternity sizes? Guess Lita will find out soon
enough. Anyway, speaking of Lita and the "baby",
there’s been a lot of criticism on Lita for giving into
Kane's desire to bed her.... and not using a condom. But
I doubt she’d be that stupid. You don't house that
many luchadors, and not have a ring of condoms in your
purse the size of an executive's fucking rolodex. Just
saying. Truth be told, since Kane can produce
fire from his fingertips at will, it really wouldn’t be too
farfetched to assume that his "seed" would likely be the
equivalent of piping hot magma, and probably just melted
through the prophylactic. It's science. You can't fight
it.
The bulk
of the match saw Kane dominate Matt, but V1 gets the advantage
after Kane gets tangled up in the ropes. Hardy goes on offense
from there, dropkicking him while he was in that prone state,
and hitting him with a top rope legdrop to the back of the
head. Hardy then delivers a twist of fate but takes too long
to cover, and Kane kicks out. Kane then gets up and gets a
sloppy chokeslam out of nowhere. But instead of covering, Kane
goes out and gets the steps. However, before he can use them,
Lita comes in and nags Kane to put them down. Kane does, and
gently puts her out of harms way, because she has his
(toasted) bun in the oven after all , and picks the stairs
back up. However, in the interim, Matt grabs a chair and
clobbers Kane, and the stairs collapse on him and Matt gets
the PIN. Seriously. Matt Hardy WINS a match. One
he wrestled on a PAY-PER-VIEW. Clearly, the trick to
getting booked and pushed is to let an undead monster fuck
your spouse. Just then I get the visual of RVD sending
naked pictures of his wife to Undertaker and hoping he
finds her attractive.
Winner:
Matt Hardy Veeeeeee oneaaaaaaaaaaah, who is
visibly mad at Lita for putting herself in "harm’s way"….
and apparently not for "putting out" for evil
monsters. Go figure.
Randy Orton vs. Edge Intercontinental
Title.
JR
and King put over "the fact" that "Randy is the longest
reigning Intercontinental Champion of the last seven years".
Except he's not. The Rock is. Unless, somehow, Orton
possesses the ability to travel back in time and erased
the Rock completely from history. Which of course, if you've
been following my Back-Leg frontkick, you'd find out is
INDEED THE CASE. Orton has lost the Intercontinental Title EVERY
NIGHT for the last seven months, but Ric (Doc?)
Flair keeps going back in time and changing history, so he
retained the belt. He uses a Delorean (and not a limousine or
jet. His catchphrase is lie!) to accomplish this goal, which
is of course powered by Mr. Fusion. A device that relies
on large amounts of discarded food to create
energy. You know, kind of like Stephanie
McMahon....
Anyway, these two have an excellent match here, in
my ever so humble opinion. Edge controls the pace early, and
hits a big missile dropkick. He then goes for the spear, but
Orton gets his knees up. Orton then hits a crazy
neck/backbreaker combo for two. Man, that Orton, he's a man of
a thousand holds. Unfortunately though, some nine-hundred
of those are chinlocks. Oh well. And speaking of that,
Orton applies an extended version to Edge back in the ring
after the two had brawled on the floor. After some more back
and forth, Orton undoes the turnbuckle which comes into play
later. A slew of nearfalls follow as Orton counters a cross
body, and Edge hits the Edgecution DDT for another near fall.
Orton then goes for the RKO, but Edge pushes off and looks for
the spear, but Orton incredibly leap frogs over, and Edge
almost hits the exposed buckle. Edge then quickly rams Orton
into the VERY BUCKLE HE EXPOSED (Sweet irony~!) and gets the
spear and the pin! Normally, Flair would have just used
the Delorean again, but he's still
stuck in 1885 with bo way to get home at the moment.
(don't ask.).
Winner and NEW champion: Edge. The man whose
patented "spear" has made the HUG lethal. I can just
imagine his house around the holidays: "Hey,
Adam, come here and give your Mom a big hug!
Hey, why are you
running? Blargggggggggggggghhh".
-Orton is
seen backstage, and starts crying in the shock of the moment.
That, or the fact that he just realized that the "Pat"
his uncle Barry spoke about was the same guy who goes over all
his matches with him. Either/or. (Actually that was Terry
Garvin. But I'll be damned if facts will ever play a part in
my Rants...).
Victoria
w/hair vs. Molly Holly w/o
hair...STILL?
It's been like 5 months, why is Molly still bald? Holy
shit. I'd get my (luscious, large) ass to a hospital, stat if
I was her. This can only end
badly.
Anyway, Victoria comes out and
immediately tears off her pants. Now THAT’S what I like
to see from a woman! I always appreciate it when a woman takes
the initiative and rips her own clothes off. I always hate
having to do that. It's probably because I only have limited
time before they wake up as it is. Haha. Anyway, a
good little
match here, albeit quite short. An argument I
hear far too often. *sob*. Molly spends the bulk of the
match working Victoria's arm, after she sent her careening
into the steps. Eventually, Victoria rallies, and looks to
finish with a widow's peak, but Molly escapes, thanks to
the wounded arm in a great display of psychology. If only all
real-life psychology involved half naked women in spandex
squatting and rolling around with one another. I'd have my
doctorate by now. You better believe it. Anyway,
since her arms are useless, Victoria simply gets a straight
superkick that parts Molly's wig, and gets the pin. You see,
it's extra devastating because months and months
of dancing so horribly have made the muscles in her
legs like spring steel. So something good has came
from it. Clearly.
Winner:
Victoria. She's not the lady to mess with. Or
sadly, dance with. Besides, you could NEVER
keep up. Not unless you have Epilepsy.
;)
/5