SATIRE: VOTE WARRIOR IN 2008!
The
Following is paid for by the Friends and
Supporters of
Warrior:
[Originally written in April
2005]
The last
four years have been a test of our national
leadership, and only one person has passed that
test: WARRIOR. It’s time
for a change, folks, and WARRIOR MAN is the person
to reunite this One Warrior Nation, and make a big
splash(~!) in the political ring, like only he
can.
Warrior
is clearly the sane choice for a new conservative
regime, with ideas that we’ll assume are
groundbreaking…if only we understood what he was
saying. See, many can make promises, but only
WARRIOR can deliver the goods, with strength of
character that can only come through pressing some
3000 people over his head.
Warrior is a man of
principles. Warrior is man of great beliefs. A
BELIEF that the children are our future. A BELIEF
that together WE can bring this great country back
to prominence. And a BELIEF that pants are highly
overrated. You see, WARRIOR is a man of the
people, but not afraid to admit that he puts on
his tiny Speedos one leg at a time, just like
you and
me.
Warrior recently threw his hat
(actually it was frilly boots) into the ring for
PRESIDENT of these United States; shocking the
world, and promising to bring this country back to
the responsible conservative ideals of his own
home world.
See, folks, WARRIOR has
a PLAN. And that plan involves legally changing
his name to “MR. PRESIDENT.”
See, this ploy paid dividends for
Warrior-man back in the early 90’s in a dispute
with the WWF over the ownership of his identity;
and much like it did then, surely, with legal
ownership of the moniker of “Mr. President”, the
government will have NO CHOICE but to accept him
as our new leader. It’s this type of free thinking
that makes WARRIOR the only logical choice
for the highest
office.
With WARRIOR (and VP
candidate and O.W.N. Disciple, Brutus Beefcake)
making waves, the Democrats are running scared,
forcing frontrunner Al Gore to choose wrestler
RHYNO as his potential running-mate, in a fleeting
attempt to match the Intensity of WARRIOR.
However, we’re not buying it. This is but a ploy
by those “Stinky liberals”, and WARRIOR thus far
hasn’t shown the slightest bit of fear in the
GORE/Gore!
camp.
Well, now that you know his
intentions, let us take a closer look at his
politics:
Warrior on President
Bush:
When asked to give his
opinion on “Bush”, Warrior responded with
this:
“A Warrior has no such time for sexual
improprieties, when there are so many liberals,
turncoats, and voodoo priests corrupting the minds
of my little warriors! However, if you must know,
for hygiene reasons, Warriah prefers a neatly
trimmed pubic area, and not a full
thatch.”
Upon learning that we actually
meant “President Bush”, WARRIOR went on to tell a
humorous story of how one time while waiting to
make a surprise entrance from beneath the stage at
the Republican National convention, current VP and
general prankster, Dick Cheney shit in a pail and
placed it beneath Warrior’s “hiding spot.” “Man, I
haven’t puked that much since the time Papa Shango
stole my tassle armbands and saddled me with an
ancient Voodoo curse!” said WARRIOR.
Warrior then went on to declare how much he
loves, and can’t seem to get enough Dick.
(Cheney)
Warrior’s VP: Brutus
Beefcake:
The one time “Disciple” of
Hulk Hogan was thankfully liberated from the
oppressive clutches of the Hulkster, and was then
inducted as the SOLE member of One Warrior Nation.
From there, his career breathed new life! So much
so, in fact, that his push disappeared completely
and he was never heard of again! Thank you Warrior
for setting Brother Bruti down the right path! The
Path of Destrucity!
Brutus, a definite
humanitarian, who’s given years of charity ( free
haircuts for some 18 years) recently did his part
in the “war on terror” when he retrieved a duffle
bag filled with what was believed to be
Anthrax, and selflessly destroyed
it... by consuming all the contents. You just
can’t get that type of dedication in other
politicians!
Warrior on the Foreign
Affairs:
WARRIOR is man who has seen it all. He bore
witness firsthand to the final fall of Soviet
Communism (at Wrestlemania 6 at the hands of the
Hart Foundation) and knows all too well the
horrors of the struggles in the Gulf. See, it was
WARRIOR himself who was victimized by the
HEARTLESS Saddam Hussein regime when the former
Iraqi dictator plotted to steal his WWF Title in
1991; a plot that actually came to fruition one
cold January night some 14 years ago. This TRAGEDY
hardened the Warrior’s resolve however, and now
the face-painted ruffian has vowed to do whatever
it takes to stop tyranny, including our next
potential great enemy: MEXICO.
Warrior on
Homosexuality! – WARRIOR is
a staunch believer that “Queering don’t make the
world work”... but agrees that it’s pretty
much what makes some people’s pushes to the
top of the card a
reality.
WARRIOR however has had
some success in CONVERTING stray
homosexuals back to the
side of Heterosexuality. In 1996, he vowed to
“make a man out of Goldust” and proceeded to
batter the golden one until all thoughts of
ass-play were abolished from his mind. Some six
months later, Goldust would finally renounce his
homosexuality, and go on to have a completely
meaningless quasi-midcard run. Thanks
Warrior!
See, WARRIOR knows that it’s
hard to suppress your burgeoning homosexual
emotions; however, WARRIOR has come up with the
Ultimate Solution to your problems! The WARRIOR
WORKOUT! See, you’ll hardly have time to think
unclean thoughts anymore when you’re immersed in
the completely heterosexual world of professional
body building! You’ll find out the hard
way, that it’s all but impossible
to think gay thoughts with all those oily
musclemen squatting and lifting around you!
Consider it the WARRIOR
CHALLENGE!
Warrior on
Abortions: -
WARRIOR has seen the
horrors of abortion firsthand. Particularly in his
feud with Andre The Giant in 1989, where there was
seemingly an abortion happening on a nightly
basis.
Although some feel it’s a wrestler’s
right to choose (to have a horrendous
match) WARRIOR passionately feels that it’s
immoral. And with WARRIOR’s help, we’ll put an end
to ALL slow moving, plodding matches for
good.
WARRIOR
on the Economy:
WARRIOR has no opinion. He has no
concept of selling of any kind.
Warrior on the Patriot Act: Although
he’s never met The Patriot, he feels that Del
Wilkes did an admirable job with his character.
Although, he knocks him for his limited
moveset, and constant reliance of the
clothesline…
Warrior on immigration : –
Immigrants illegally entering our fair land has
long been a sore spot for WARRIOR. And when
elected, WARRIOR has GUARANTEED to do something
about it! WARRIOR will introduce “Proposition
Warrior” to congress that will see WARRIOR himself
patrol the borders and press slam any and all
trespassers back into their own country. Many in
WARRIOR’s campaign have suggested putting up a
wall dividing the border, but WARRIOR would only
compromise with ropes. And WHO I ask would be
FOOLISH enough to mess with WARRIOR that close to
ROPES?.... which as we all know is the source of
his power.
So,
in closing, if you want four more years
of hollow promises, high deficits, and fully
funded social programs, by all means vote the
“competition.” But if you want a Politician who’ll
get RESULTS, by all means choose WARRIOR. It’s
your ULTIMATE responsibility. And remember,
Queering may not make the world work, but Warrior
will work for YOU. (Unless you're gay, Mexican, a
woman, a liberal, or any combination of the
four.).
VOTE WARRIOR IN
2008!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he
wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at
Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
