WHO'S YOUR FLAT
DADDY?
There used to be a time,
when the only 'Flat Daddy's' you heard about, were
the ones who made the unfortunate mistake of
letting their obese wife ride missionary position.
And now that I've dispensed with that stupid
obligatory joke, I'll discuss the following, which
I actually read about in the Fall, but never
had anywhere to discuss it... until
now:
"He’s quietly in the
background on family outings to the grocery store,
to restaurants, camping, even on Mary’s most
recent visit to her
gynecologist.
Randall has little to say
because he’s a ‘‘Flat Daddy’...’ a two-dimensional
foam board likeness of the Maine Army National
Guard officer from Hermon who was sent to
Afghanistan in January with the 240th Engineer
Group of Augusta.
The Guard has provided
more than 100 of the cutouts to families of
deployed service members as a way to ease the pain
of separation.
‘‘It’s comforting,’’ Mary
Holbrook told the Bangor Daily News. ‘‘It did help
me adjust a lot.’’
The Flat Daddy - and Flat
Mommy - program got started at the beginning of
the year with the deployment of the Brewer-based B
Company, 3rd Battalion of the 172nd Mountain
Infantry.
The Guard pays to have a
photo of the troop member blown up and provides
supplies to families to attach the photo to foam
board. Cutouts also are provided to parents and
family members of childless service
members.
The Holbrooks’ Flat Daddy
has been to birthday parties, ballgames, school,
the hairdresser, the babysitter’s with Logan, and
to the funeral of Mary Holbrook’s
mother.
Justin dressed him in a
Red Sox jersey and hat while watching a baseball
game. On Halloween, he had a sumo wrestler
outfit.
Taking Flat Daddy out in
public can draw some funny looks, Mary Holbrook
said, but many tell her they think it’s a great
idea.
‘‘Any time I get invited
somewhere, I take him with me,’’ she said.
And the gynecologist? ‘‘He just thought it was
really neat,’’ she said.
When the family first got
him, they propped him up in a chair at
dinner.
‘‘We put plates in front
of him the first few days,’’ Holbrook said. ‘‘But
he didn’t eat much.’’
Even though the idea may
seem a little silly at first, the foam board
cutout can help alleviate the pain of a loved
one’s absence, she said.
‘‘It makes you feel like
he’s right there,’’ she said, as the Flat Daddy of
her husband rested in a nearby lawn
chair."
Dear Lord. She takes
this thing to the Gynecologist? Jesus. Even
inanimate cardboard cutouts are seeing more pussy
than me....
All kidding aside, this has to
be one of the strangest fucking things I've ever
read. And hey, I can kind of see why they would
want to initiate a program like this, but
these people's reactions are a little insane. I
can understand missing your significant other and
all, but come on. All I know is, I for one
don't really want to be seen in
public with my three dimensional
emotionless father, let alone his cardboard
version. (Flat Daddy told you twice!). But hey, to
each their own, I suppose. I just can't imagine
carting around this giant fucking thing
in public, then treating it like a functioning
human being whilst in public settings. I
mean, does Flat Daddy have to pay admission to the
movies if she goes? When you go out to
eat, do you actually say "Flat Daddy. Party of
Two"? And holy shitballs, a Funeral? Man. I
guess, the one positive is that at least one
lifeless family member's walking out of there with
you. Man. This broad sure keeps Flat Daddy on a
short fucking leash. Sounds to me like Flat Daddy
is a little whipped. No wonder Full Daddy
is not in any hurry to get back from
Afghanistan. I think if I had this harpy wanting
to drag me to inane places like the
fucking hairdressers, I'd send a cardboard
likeness in my place too. Or maybe a ticking
package. Just saying.
All I know is, this Flat
marriage isn't gonna last if she keeps up with
all the "take, take, take!". Soon,
things will break down, and she'll start
brow-beating him. "You just want to lay around
there all flat all day! You never want to take me
anywhere nice anymore!" Then she'd make him
sleep, err, awkwardly stand straight
up on the couch that night. I've seen better flat
marriages than that dissolve for lesser reasons.
Clearly, Mary needs to back off and give him his
flat space. Or next thing you know, he'll leave
your three dimensional ass for a
flatter woman who doesn't emasculate him so
fucking much....
I'm Sean.
And holy shit. No wonder these Flat Daddies
are deployed overseas! Who wouldn't want 18 foot
soldiers on their side! Those dudes are enormous!
Ahem.
