With it's
invention, YOU, John Q. Fucky will now
be able to physically
simulate activities like Bowling, Tennis
and Golf, and all without leaving your home.
So yes, you'll still be an anti-social retard, but
thanks to the physical exertion needed to act
out the fucking games, you won't be quite as
fat and unappealing in the event you decide
to say 'fuck it', and I don't know, GO BOWLING FOR
REAL. Jesus. Am I the only one who hates this
concept? (probably). If you really want
to bowl, go to a fucking bowling alley. I think I
might just kick my kid in the soul if I saw him
ridiculously pantomiming an invisible bowling
ball in my living room. But hey, he'd probably
have it coming for something else anyway, so
I'd feel justified.
Anyway, my problems with the ideal
of Wii aside, there are actual documented problems
with the Wii itself, and with some hilarious
results. See, in their effort to churn out this
system (and I'm convinced the government is
secretly behind this product in an effort to shear
a few pounds off Fucky Jr.) in time for Christmas
season, Nintendo obviously didn't think the
ramifications of this product through; and as a
result, as obese children across the country
played their virtual games, in the throws of their
flailing uncoordinated histrionics, the
wireless Wii remotes used to control the
games have been flying from their chubby digits
and causing all kinds of wanton destruction and
damage. Man, who'd have thunk simulating throwing
a 100 mile an hour fastball with your Wii remote
could go so wrong?... But hey, it could be
worse. Just be
thankful Nintendo have yet to release
the Leisure Suit Larry games for the console. I
don't think I'd want to walk in on Junior giving
the Wii remote a virtual handjob (which for the
record is still more than I get these
days...).
With that said,
stories began to spring up of Wii remote related
damage, and Nintendo recalled the straps, in
exchange for stronger ones. So rest assured, you
can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that
the only damage your kids will be responsible for,
is when their ridiculous spoiled asses get
the reins to the planet in 15 years, and
civilization ends soon after.Yay!
Wait!
There's more. According to the website Kotaku.com,
there is a Japanese-released "Super Safe Wii
Safety Manual", featuring some guidelines for your product, and of course the
all-important "Do's" and "Don'ts". God bless
The Japanese for clearing up that it is
in fact a bad idea to pour C-Plus directly onto
my Wii.
However, it wouldn't be a Japanese exported
product without it being COMPLETELY FUCKING VAGUE
AND NONSENSICAL. But hey, what do you want.
This is a culture where Teenage girls get raped by
tentacles in their cartoons*. Heh. And I
thought Wile E. Coyote had it rough on Looney
Tunes...
Anyway, here's a small sampling of a few of
the said "Don'ts", along with my
translations. And don't doubt my sweet sweet
translating prowess, baby. Japanese is like a 4th
or 5th language to me!
Do not
put on your Ku Klux Klan outfit in front of
Nintendo Wii. Nintendo Wii is sympathetic to the
plight of the black man, and won't tolerate racism
and hate mongering of ANY
kind.
Do not tempt
Nintendo Wii with cigarettes. Nintendo Wii is
fighting an uphill battle with Nicotine addiction,
and it'd be cruel to knock him off the wagon
now.
Do not take
Nintendo Wii on ANY overnight camping trips on the
range no matter how many times he asks. It's also
a good idea to keep Nintendo Wii away from any and
all pink grass.
Do not taunt
Nintendo Wii's Irish
heritage.
If your feet have
the ability to produce raw currents of
electricity, do not step on Nintendo
Wii.
Do not buy any
products from Nintendo Wii's garage sale, no
matter HOW good the deals may
seem.
In the event a
battle breaks out between your toaster, an angry
flying Shriner snowman and your Nintendo
Wii, DO NOT intervene. Nintendo Wii must learn to
fight his own battles.
Well, Thank
God they cleared that up....
I'm
Sean.
*Hey, I know it's
called "anime", So don't email me correcting me on
my ignorance, because I don't care.
Seriously.
Some pics
originally appeared on
Fark.com.
