(posted originally
in Summer
2004)
Not a day goes past where
there isn't someone, somewhere
inevitably asking: "Where's The Ultimate
Warrior, and when is he coming back?"
However, what most don't realize is that even
though the enigmatic Warrior has seemingly walked
away from sports entertainment, his presence is
still felt all around the world. You see,
since his self imposed retirement from Wrestling,
Warrior has chosen to spend the bulk of his free
time walking the Earth, dispensing Destrucity like
it was beer to an Irishman, to all those who cared
to listen; spreading his message abroad, and
often, righting many wrongs that may fall before
him. Many of these tales and adventures have been
housed in an ultra-secret novel known as "The Book
of Warrior", in which Warrior's disciples (Not Ed
Lesley) have kept meticulous records of their
messiah, in journal form.
These individual
tales are known as "The Chronicles of Warrior",
and luckily for us, we here at The Wrestling
Fan.com have been privy to this information, and
will start to reveal some of these previously
unknown journal entries.
Join us now as we
reveal but one of these stories:
WAR(rior) OF THE
WORLDS!
Recently,
the United
States celebrated
Independence Day as it always does, but what most
don’t realize, is that the world as they know it
almost ended, if not for the selfless
actions of one man. That man? WARRIOR.
Unfortunately, although an
attempted global genocide was prevented, the
events that transpired on the day, and the
destruction that was laid in its wake were
subsequently and inexplicably covered up by our
respective governments, so to not panic the
masses. Thankfully though, the truth could not be
suppressed for long, and thanks to a chapter from
the vaunted “Book of Warrior”, it will now be
revealed!:
Apparently, for many years, Earth has
been targeted for destruction from a ferocious,
inhuman threat, who’s plan was to systematically
eliminate our citizens and in turn plunder our
planet for their ungodly purposes. When pressed
for comments on the matter, one Vince McMahon
reputedly stepped forward and said " You mean
there's more than one of us out there?". Strange
indeed.
Anyway, finally, after much
deliberation and planning, the Alien
threat launched a full fledged strike on our
nation’s capital, decimating the white house and
deploying fearsome creatures onto the now panicked
city streets to round up all humans for
extermination!
Luckily
though, as it turns out, during much of the
carnage, George Bush and much of his cabinet
were not in the white house that day, as all were
aboard Air Force 1, being entertained by the
president’s patented (albeit simplistic) shadow
puppetry. The group was then about to partake in a
game of Operation, if only to satisfy George's
curiosity to see how the human body *really*
works (no one had the heart to tell him we don't
all contain huge oblong monkey wrenches in our
anatomy) when the tragic news came down
the wire: WASHINGTON D.C. HAD BEEN
DESTROYED!
It
was a tense several minutes, with the tension only
broken up temporarily by W. performing some
arm-pit farting sounds. After he was reprimanded
by V.P. Dick Cheney, then shot in the face
*accidentally*, the topic turned to how they
would battle this
threat.
You see, as powerful as their armed
forces were, they would be no match for the
technologically superior enemy they’d face, and as
far as they knew, there was no oil to be gained by
even confronting this threat. Soon, talk of
deploying nuclear missiles came up, but
thankfully, someone's better sense prevailed, and
that person stood up and made a new
suggestion: THE ULTIMATE
WARRIOR!
And why
not? After all, why stage an all out nuclear
assault when you have a former WWF Champion at
your beck and call? It just made sense. And
Warrior at least worked cheaper than billions on
planes and missiles.
Somewhat.
Soon a phone call was placed to Warrior’s super
secret “Castle of Destrucity” deep in “Parts
Unknown (Scottsdale Arizona), hand picked by The
Warrior for its dry heat which is more conducive
to the former WWF’s champion’s somewhat
unpredictable
sinuses.
As he was
being briefed on the mission, which was apropos,
since he himself wears them in all walks of
life, Warrior was overjoyed at the prospect
of putting “aliens” in their place; only to later
to find out that they were in fact
extra-terrestrials and not border jumping illegal
immigrants as he had hoped. Evil Pinko Mexicans
and their destruction would have to wait, it'd
seem. Because Warrior had a NEW
Mission.
After all,
Warrior had yet to face a challenge he couldn’t
overcome and relished at the opportunity to drive
the enemy back to their home worlds, even if it
didn’t involve propelling terrified Mexicans
back over the border in the dead of
night with the awesome will of Destrucity
alone.
Warrior
then began his trek to the nation’s capital, but
unfortunately, he traveled by foot ,
opting to run two thirds of the country, and
sadly, by the time he reached his destination,
Washington
D.C. and most of
Maryland was
annihilated. But it at least looked cool.
Regardless, Warrior was still ready
for a fight, and after leading many survivors to
shelter, Warrior commandeered one of the gathering
creatures and harnessed the great beast, beginning
to ride him much like he would back in the 1980’s
WWF dressing room with Andre The Giant…(much to
the chagrin of the mighty Frenchmen who seemed
more interested in finishing his game of Gin-Rummy
with the boys than playing “noble steed” to the
apparently deranged painted man clung to his back
like a
spider-monkey.).
Warrior in
turn rode the creature, and subsequently drove the
rest back to their ships where the threat
retreated, likely in hopes of regrouping and
beginning a second assault.Many began cheering,
not realizing that all this time, salvation was
one pair of neon green underoos
away…
However,
not one to rest on his laurels, Warrior decided
the best course of action would be to take the
fight to the aliens themselves, on their
own
planet!
The
Government agreed, but stated that they had
not the time, nor the technology to create such a
craft capable of traveling to their
world.
Fortunately though for the
U.S.
government, when he’s not dispensing
“Warrior-wisdom” to the unwashed masses, Warrior’s
been fashioning his own intricately designed star
ship in which he can travel the cosmos at
break-neck speed. It was reputedly built by the
Skeletons that made the supreme sacrifices. After
all, what else is there for them to do?
Originally, the device was created to
thwart the swarms of illegal immigrants floating
around Miami’s harbor in
rubber dinghy’s. However, luckily for humankind,
Warrior decided that on this day, saving the Earth
from a possible Alien holocaust would take
precedent over disintegrating Cuban exiles. But if
he made good time (although he prefers to only
work upwards of sixty seconds at a time) he'd try
to fit in
both.
And
although one might wonder where a simple body
builder would get the uncanny knowledge and skill
to design this device capable of bending
time and space, what they don’t know is that when
you adopt “Destrucity” as your life mantra,
ANYTHING is possible, my friend. Except
Coherency.
With that
said, Warrior retrieved the craft and strapped
himself in, only taking a moment to slip a tape of
his WWF theme music into the make-shift tape deck
carelessly carved into the ship’s dashboard. As
the drums blared, Warrior blasted off into the
deep reaches of
space.
As he
exited this world, bound for the next, he achieved
light speed, before finally settling on “Warrior”
speed, which was basically “light speed” only with
a really cool name.
WARRIAH.
From
there, Warrior entered the Alien threat’s strange
world, ready for whatever battle lay before
him.
However,
despite racing off to a strange galaxy in pursuit
of these Alien invaders, most would be
surprised to learn that Warrior’s original
intention was NOT to eradicate the
extra-terrestrial menace, but to instead
assimilate himself into their culture and
hopefully help them form a responsible
conservative government. But alas, Warrior’s cries
fell on deaf ears as the creatures only interest
seemed to be in devouring the face painted
musclemen and conquering his people…ignoring his
plight of a harmonized sales tax totally and
instead adopting a more socialistic attitude that
included more public spending, higher taxes and
*GULP*, a fully funded welfare system! This of
course only infuriated Warrior that much more….
Warrior
threw up his hands, seeing the writing on the
wall, but not before having a pretty decent
conversation with said hands--they really hadn't
talked much since Wrestlemania 7, when he
decided to attack the aliens head on, before the
threat of full fledged communism engulfed their
whole society! And you thought the Russians were a
threat! In 1985. But don't tell
Vince.
As the
aliens began to circle, Warrior had no fear, as
after all, this was the same man who stared the
Red and Yellow of Hulkamania in the eye… and lived
to tell the tale! And let’s face facts, compared
to that massive endeavor , fighting several
thousand predatory life forms would pose little
challenge. I mean, Hulk Hogan being pinned? Come
on. A full on interstellar assault on
one man is NOTHING compared to that feat. Hulk
Hogan may have asked us to write that
part.
The Aliens
soon began to swarm in closer, biting and
gnashing, but like many before them, they
ultimately fell prey to the UNSTOPPABLE Warrior
offense. Clotheslines were thrown, tackles were
landed, and about 10,000 big splashes later, it
was all over. Dave Meltzer gave it **
1/2.
Warrior,
bruised, but not beaten, then
triumphantly stood atop the broken carcasses
proclaiming ULTIMATE victory! It just sounded like
Gargghpmhhphhh! I could see how confusion could
abound.
Anyway, as a precautionary measure to
avoid anymore possible invasions, and because he
found out that the Democratic candidate was
gaining serious ground in the Planet'
gubernational elections, Warrior chose to
destroy the planet’s reactor, bouncing on the spot
for several seconds before throwing a thunderous
Warrior-tackle that shattered its core and
obliterated the planet
altogether!
Unfortunately though, Warrior didn’t
realize that causing a super nova…while STILL on
the planet might not be the best course of action,
and was propelled through space along with the
debris of the aliens now former-home world. He
still didn't sell it though. Radiation? Bah. Once
you survive a voodoo curse, no amount of puking is
going to faze
you.
After the
blast, Warrior found himself continuously
cascading throughout the cold reaches of space…and
all while only wearing a tiny pair of snug trunks!
And why not? If Pants aren't good enough for
Warrior on EARTH, by god, he's not going to give
in to this retched Taboo on some god-forsaken
Alien solar
system.
It was at
this point we lost contact with Warrior. Maybe it
was for the best. He stopped making sense about 15
seconds in.
Anyway, it
has been rumored that Warrior eventually found his
way into Earth’s atmosphere, only to burn up upon
re-entry…. However, I choose not to believe this.
And basic common-sense supports my
theory. Because, after all, if a man can
survive the devastating effects of SEVEN
Randy Savage flying elbow drops…
then what’s a little one million degree
Fahrenheit atmospheric pressure? You want
Pressure? Try carrying Nailz to a credible
match...
With that said, to commemorate
Warrior and his selfless sacrifice, president Bush
secretly opted to rename the U.S. in
his honor, by rechristening the country: “One
Warrior Nation”; however, upon further reflection,
it was decided it was far too stupid to ever get
over. I mean, who'd invest time and money into
such a ridiculous concept? Brutus Beefcake seemed
excited
though...
In closing, wherever Warrior
is, we owe him a debt of gratitude. And probably
more money. Because if not for he and his selfless
Destrucity, we may not have been here to tell the
tale. Then translate it into grunts and
nonexistent language that only he
understands.
The Destrucity will
continue!……………….
Sean Carless is a man of
many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured
AIDS.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
