WWE
WRESTLE
MANIA XIX
(03/30/03)
Hello, Wrestling
fans, and welcome to the only teenage granddaddy
outside of maybe folks from
the Appalachian mountains, Wrestlemania! The
Showcase of the Immortals! Only the kind who
don't cut heads off with broad swords. Pity.
There are more than a few guys out
there who probably deserve
it...
-Opening Wrestlemania
montage! Hey, since when do they have pay-per-view
access in a fucking barn? I call shenanigans on
that one.
We are live from
Seattle, Washington. Home of Grunge Rock and lead
singers who blow their fucking heads off. If
only we could get a few people on WWE Creative
depressed enough to follow suit. If
only.
Your hosts for the
evening's festivities are Tazz & Michael Cole
for SmackDown, Jim Ross for RAW, and Jerry Lawler
for any teenaged girl naive enough to not suspect
anything's afoul when he asks them to sit on his
lap. That's right.
Before the PPV, on Heat,
they had a RAW World Tag Team Title match, because
let's face it, no one wants to see a TITLE MATCH
on the actual paid broadcast, when you can
watch two non-wrestling broads waste 15 minutes
doing nothing (or no one. Come on! I've
seen a few of this Kitana Baker's "films" on Skinemax! Get your heads
in the game!)
... Anyhoo, here's
what went down!:
"Roasted Potatoes" RVD &
Kane vs. (C) Lance Storm &
Chief Morley for World Tag team
Titles;
Isn't it ironic that this
match was relegated to Heat? I mean, obviously
someone was worried about RVD
stealing heat from the so
called "Dream" matches and as such,
and decided to bury Ol' Rob so deep on the
card that he'll probably be eating breakfast
in Beijing
tomorrow.
Lance Storm
& Chief Morley of course are you defending
champions here, after William Regal went down with
an injury and the Chief just sort
of become champion by default. Usually, you
have to have had your cock in the boss's daughter
to have that honor. Anyway, with the ascension of
the former Val Venis to "Chief of Staff", I got to
thinking, perhaps there's more openings (tee hee)
for porn stars in politics than we figure? After
all, who couldn't get behind say Jenna Jameson for
office? Or better yet, who wouldn't want to
just get behind Jenna Jameson, period? Or
even more so than that, who HASN'T
gotten behind Jenna Jameson? You could probably
throw a regulation NBA basketball threw her cooter
and have it be all net. I'll leave poor Jenna
alone now.
HEY, THERE IS A MATCH
GOING ON HERE! RVD delivers all of his chemically
induced goodness, and Lance & Val eat more
potatoes than a struggling turn of the century
Irish family. JR keeps mentioning that RVD &
Kane are an "unlikely duo" and irritating me.
How are they unlikely? If you smoked as much
fucking cheeba as Rob, you'd keep a guy who could
light a bong with his fucking fingertips around
too. Am the only one who sees this? Am the only
one who cares? Umm, probably.
Finish comes when Kane
chokeslams Lance, and RVD goes to, and I
quote, "the high rent district" (I wonder what
market value is on that top rope?) for the
five-star, but Morley shoves him off. This
brings out an interfering Dudleys, who 3D Lance.
But Bubba changes his mind in allegiance as
RVD covers for presumably the winning pin, and
drops an ELBOW on him, and Lance gets the winning
pin. Wait. An elbow? What is this, the fucking
1987 Survivor Series? Who gets beat by an elbow
drop? Somewhere, Scotty 2 Hotty is probably
standing around saying, Dear God, at least dance
or something first! That shit is weak!" I
mean, isn't this the same Rob who once kicked out
of being tombstoned off the top rope in ECW? Isn't
this the same Rob who dared to outshine everyone
during the Invasion thus building up a
still-standing paranoia amongst upper-tier stars?
Umm, obviously.
Winners & STILL
champions of the whole entire World, although
I hear Uzbekistan still doesn't recognize them:
Lance Storm & Chief
Morley.
/5
Onto the live
pay-per-view broadcast!
Ashanti sings "America
The Beautiful". I'm sure there's a few dudes
hiding in caves right now with beards that would
make fucking Rip Van Winkle blush who might
disagree. But fuck them. They can't see this show.
Or can they? If that motherfucker in the barn can
watch Wrestlemania, maybe Osama can get a coaxial
set-up down there too? I don't
know.
Rey
Mysterio w/ some 'Splainin' to do to Stan
Lee Vs. (C) Matt Hardy w/ Shannon Moore w/o
testosterone.
You know, I have
some issues with Monster Magnet who sing Matt
Hardy's theme music. Despite their boasts, it's
actually not that easy to slap a tornado. I
don't suggest ever trying it. It didn't nearly
work out as cool as I thought it
would. Strange.
Anyway, this is
Rey's first ever shot at the cruiserweight title,
and his first ever Wrestlemania. He comes to the
ring dressed as Daredevil... if the blind
superhero was washed several times over on the
cold cycle. Anyway, a good little match here, but
really short, tragically. One really awesome spot
saw Matt go for a razor's edge on
Mysterio while standing on the 2nd buckle,
but Rey-Devil countered that into a rana. Rey then
hits the 619 and goes for the West Coast Pop, but
Matt ducks out in anticipation. From there, Rey
ends up on Matt's shoulders and goes for a victory
roll but Matt sits down in mid-roll, grabs the
ropes, and gets the pin! Things clearly might have
worked out better had Rey-Devil used his
telescopic walking stick of justice. Use your
(inordinately tiny) head ,
Rey.
Winner and STILL
Champion: Matt Hardy, Version 1. The only dude
outside of Hef who can pull off wearing his
fucking pajamas in all real-life
situations.
/5
-The Miller Lite cat
fight girls have arrived! Your PPV dollars at
work, ladies and gentlemen!
-Oh noes! Nathan Jones,
Pro wrestling's safest hand, because nothing he
does actually makes even remote contact, has been
laid out by the F.B.I. in the shower! Wait. Why is
Jones wearing pants in the shower? What is this,
fucking Weird Science? Although, I guess, when you
spent time in prison like Big Nat has, it might be
a precaution. Just saying.
-Ladies and gentlemen,
WWE's favorite band in the WORLD (as
announced. Seriously!) Limp Bizkit! Somewhere out
there I'm sure Drowning Pool has something to say
about that. WWE has that fucking "Bodies" song
cued up at all times. Anyway, for one night only,
Taker gets "Rollin'" back. What s shame. Now we'll
never get to hear the greatest lyrics ever written
on the big stage. "Nice guys always finish
last, but Bad asses..always kicking ass!" You
can't buy talent like that. Trust us. Whoever
wrote that probably
tried.
Undertaker vs.
A-Train & Big Show in a handi-cap
match
Anyway, since Nathan Jones and his two
left feet are still out cold in the
shower, (not the best situation to be in
whilst Bradshaw is around) this leaves Taker
without a partner against both Big Show &
A-Train at the same time. Man, Undertaker's
going to have to pull of the greatest miracle
since Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead here.
With that said, Undertaker handled himself
accordingly, taking it to both men at once.
Finally, the heels get the momentum, and Show hits
a big chokeslam on Taker, but hey, here comes a
zestfully clean Nathan Jones! He takes out Show
with a spinning kick of good intentions on the
arena floor, and comes in with one for A-Train
too. This allows Undertaker to scoop up and nearly
kill Albert with a tombstone piledriver. Man, one
more inch there and A-Train would be a fucking
bear-skin rug right now. Oh ya, Taker gets the
pin.
Winner: The Undertaker! I
don't know why anyone even bothers wrestling
Undertaker at Wrestlemania anymore. WWE's
heels are worse than fucking Bond movie villains.
Ya, this'll be the time Bond dies.
Sure.
/5
Jazz vs. Trish
Stratus Vs. (C) Victoria w/ Steven
Richards for Women's
title
Adding Jazz to
this match with Trish & Victoria is the
equivalent of that hot girl who brings her fat
ugly friend with her on your date, and
genuinely ruins your evening. And I guess that's
the point here. Jazz's involvement is guaranteed
to make your erection go from full mast to turtle
in like .6 seconds, thus forcing you to actually
concentrate on the wrestling, which was actually
very good for the record. Finishing
sequence sees Stevie try and get involved by
first taking out Jazz, then trying to hit
Trish with a chair, but she ducks and he hits the
ropes and it bounces back into his face. Newton is
then heard rolling over in his grave at that
mockery of physics. And then since he can roll, he
starts yelling "Let me out! I'm not really dead!".
Trish then gives Stevie the Stratusfaction,
counters out of Victoria's widow's peak, and
finishes Victoria to win the title with the chick
kick, which contrary to popular belief was not
invented by Steve Austin.
Winner and NEW Champion:
Trish Stratus. Two thumbs up, and every other
appendage I gots.
/5
-Backstage, Rock is
interviewed by Coach. He says he could care less
about the People. "No Eyebrows/elbows for
you!" [/Soup Nazi.]
(C) "Bacardi & Cola"
(Haas/Benjamin) vs. Los Guererros Vs. Chris
Benoit & Rhyno, WWE Tag team
Titles;
I love this
Benoit/Rhyno tandem. But I'd have preferred them
to be actual opponents here tonight, if only
because I wanted to see perhaps the most comical
lockup in wrestling history. These two are the
only two dudes on earth who can lock up at arms
length and still have both their chests touch. If
they win the titles tonight, I hope they try a
celebratory hug, then pause, and awkwardly
posture, before just looking at each other and
shrugging.
Anyway, decent little
match here. Haas & Benjamin actually look good
out here too, despite only being in the big dance
a little while. And speaking of Team Angle, I
too wanted to have a faction of my friends in
which I'd name "Team Carless". Sadly, no one's bit
yet. Evidentially they refuse to believe how cool
it would be. Their loss...
Match picks up when Benoit gives Chavo
a rolling German (not Dr. Strangelove),
not once, not twice, but four times, and
looks to finish, but Benjamin comes in with a
stiff kick to end that. Rhyno then comes in and
gores both Eddie and Chavo, but he gets pulled to
the floor allowing Benjamin to score the pin and
retain the titles.
Winners and STILL
Champions: Team Soon to be
no Angle.
/5
HBK Vs. Y2J;
Big pop
for HBK coming out. He has a huge gun that shoots
confetti. I think he must have borrowed it from
the Canadian Military. That's all we can afford
these days.
Anyway,
this was the match that turned the show around no
doubt about it. Both men wrestled a classic
encounter, and even emulated each other's
trademark holds and spots, with Jericho stopping
short of feigning an injury, and not dropping a
half dozen titles. Good for him. With that
said, Jericho actually hits the sweet chin music
on HBK, but Michaels kicks out. Michaels then
tries to use the Walls on Jericho, but Y2J
counters out. Both men then go down with a belly
to back counter from the top rope that sees both
men crash and burn. In the ensuing chaos, Jericho
gets the Walls, and the crowd actually is rallying
behind Y2J. HBK then misplaces his smile for the
2nd time. Anyway, HBK gets to the ropes. Michaels
then tries a desperation superkick, but Jericho
ducks, and hooks in the Wall s again, but once
again, Michaels makes the ropes to an audible
groan from the crowd. Jericho takes a temper
tantrum, but walks right into some chin music, but
HBK takes too long to cover. Finish then
sees HBK float over a charge by Jericho into
the buckles and hit a quick rolling prawn hold to
pick up the win! Great match. Strange
booking.
Winner: Shawn Michaels.
The Heart Break Man. I think almost forty
years on this planet merits a name
change.
/5
After the match the two
men embrace, and Jericho is weeping. He then kicks
HBK low. Haha. Somewhere Bret Hart is jumping for
joy. He then gets a concussion and goes into a
coma.
-Evil French Canadian
referee Sylvain Grenier is seen going into
Vince's locker room. This what got him
hired by Patterson in the first place, so why
not try a bigger fish?
-Goldberg vignette.
Goldberg is coming to Backlash! Quick!
Someone pack up anything made of glass. You'll
thank me later.
-Limp Bizkit comes out
to perform their brand new song. Poor Fred Durst
is about 5 minutes past his allotted 15. This time
next year the guy will be living off
the "hotdog flavored water" because he won't have
enough money to properly feed his family.
Poor bastard.
-Torrie Wilson's Playboy
is now on sale! Come see the only edge Billy
Kidman had on you as a human being. He has nothing
now. Not even his wife beater and shorts. Not
even.
Miller Cat Fight
Girls segment
Umm, the ladies keep
their tops on, and Coach takes his pants off.
Clearly the exact opposite scenario the 90% male
demographic wants to see. Gee, you'd think there
was a clueless woman writing this show or
something. Hey wait.
/5
(C) 
HHH
Vs. Booker T. :World
Heavyweight Title;
HHH comes
out to the rocking sounds of Motorhead, but
kind of loses the intimidation edge here
with his fucking mauve trunks. Seriously
though, dude, Mauve? Does Rick Martel know
you went rifling through his fucking
bag?
Anyway, this
match's booking defies all logic, reasoning and
good taste. If this was a movie, the
film's bad guy would have just killed the
protagonist inside 15 minutes with a fucking
bazooka, then danced for the last hour singing
"neener, neener, neener". Dear
God.
As for the match itself,
not bad, But the bulk of it was Hunter breaking
out his patented Indian deathlock for an extended
period of time. Hey, if I wanted to just see two
sweaty people laying around doing nothing, I'd pop
in a video of myself having sex. That's
right. Anyway, Booker gets his big comeback,
hitting the (running with) scissors kick, and
goes up for the Houston Hangover, and hits it, but
Flair puts Trips foot on the ropes during the
count. Triple H then recovers, hits the pedigree,
goes out for a coffee, does his taxes, curls up
with a good book, flies back home for a weekend
with the family, does some quick shopping, and
returns to the Arena to pin Booker T. THE PEDIGREE
IS THAT DANGEROUS~! HHH then puts on some black
face, does some soft shoe and yells out "Mammy!" a
few times before a giant hook cane grabs him
and pulls him off stage.
Winner: Definitely not Race relations.
I guess Triple H was right when he said
that Booker's "kind of people" can't be
World Champion. What a not-at-all depressing
message this is sending! But hey, I guess Trips
will argue that he needs the momentum when he
starts his feud with Kevin Nash next week. Big
Kev's rarin' to go after his grueling recovery of
sitting on his couch scratching his balls.
YOU'VE GOTTA WANT
IT!
/5
Vince
McMahon w/ hair(?) Vs. Hulk Hogan w/o
hair
The hype for
this match has killed me. "A Feud Twenty Years in
the making!" That sounds cool until you realize
that Vince was like a nerdy announcer for more
than half that time. What, they couldn't sign
fucking Randy Savage vs. Mean Gene
Okerlund?
Anyway, this match was
perversely entertaining, thanks to the charisma of
both men, despite the fact, they
comically reenacted many of the same spots in
Hogan vs. Warrior which is so awesome and terribly
sad at the same time. IT'S A GRUELING TEST OF
STRENGTH BETWEEN TWO MEN WITH A COMBINED AGE OF
120! SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE, AND NOT JUST THEIR
HEARTS AND PERHAPS BOWELS~! Anyway, Vince ends up
getting busted wide open. He then delivers perhaps
the only recorded high spot in Hulk Hogan's entire
career, when he leg drops the Hulkster's radiated
orange body through the Announce table.
Vince then goes and fetches a steel pipe that is
under the ring. Wait. Why is there
always this kind of shit under the
ring exactly? Anyway, with that said, Vince peers
over the ring apron, with the most hilariously
deranged look on his face. Think Jack Nicholson in
the Shining. All Work, and no jobbing makes Vince
a dull boy. Vince then tries to use the pipe, but
Hogan goes right to the giant grapefruits. This
brings out Roddy Piper, or the guy that ate him
whole. He then turns on Hulk and hits him with the
pipe. OH NO, BRUTHER. Vince then covers and umm,
Hogan kicks out. It's Hogan, what do you want?
This is a guy who I bet won't even sell his
own death. As he's being wheeled into the
crematorium, he'll kick out through the
casket at the last minute, pumping his fists and
hulking up. From there, Vince knocks out the
referee, and evil Referee Sylvain takes his place,
but Hogan's up, and umm, I think you know what
happens next. Sylvain gets tossed. Vince eats
Hogan's giant yellow clodhopper and takes three
consecutive legdrops (THE HUMANITY~!) and gets the
pin when the legal ref wakes up,
Bruther.
Winner: That Stark
Ravin' Hulkster, Dude.
/5
After the match, Shane
McMahon, who has aged fifteen years in like 12
months, comes out to check on his father and
stares a hole through Hogan. Shane then
rejoins the other 3 members of the Fantastic
Four.
Stone Cold Vs. The Rock, Part
3.
Hopefully, this
one can live up to the standards of previous
quality third sequels like Rambo III...
umm,wait; how about Terminator 3? No? Well,
how about Alien 3? No good?
Well, Godfather 3, then? Dear God.
Never mind. So, third sequels usually
blow more dick than a choir boy these days, but
this one was actually the
exception.
Anyway, Rocky controls a
good part of the tempo here, and lives up to his
earlier interview boast that he would beat the
"bald-headed jabroni". And good thing this is what
he meant. For a minute there I was terrified that
this meant we'd see Rock openly masturbating in
the ring. The main story here is combining every
spot they've ever had in any of their matches
into this one. The men even traded finishers, but
ultimately kicked out. Big finish saw Rock deliver
three consecutive Rock Bottoms and finally get his
only win over the Rattlesnake on the big stage.
Good match.
Winner: The Rock; who'll
now move onto another baldheaded dude in black
trunks when he wrestles Goldberg next month. Maybe
he can talk Bill into having handles surgically
attached to his back by then. Might make the
carrying job he'll do a lot
easier...
/5
(C) Kurt Angle w/ a "broken
freakin' neck" Vs. Brock Lesnar w/ broken
freakin' neck? for WWE
Championship;
Apparently, this
is going to be Kurt's last match for a while
because he's going to go have "experimental
non-invasive surgery" at the hands of a man named
Dr. Jho, recommended to him by SCOTT HALL.
Seriously. Scott Hall. I don't think I'd even get
into a car being driven by Scott Hall, let alone
take advice from him on anything remotely medical.
And what the fuck is non-invasive surgery, anyway?
The moment you get CUT OPEN, that's invasive,
motherfucker! Non-invasive would be
fucking Tony Robbins laying hands on you and
willing you healthy.
Anyway, Angle
brought his working boots tonight and went
above and beyond for a man with a severe neck
injury WHO COULD FUCKING DIE WITH ONE WRONG MOVE.
Brock also looked better than he has ever, selling
Kurt's suplexes far better than a man of his
stature should physically be able to. I honestly
expected a little more amateur chain wrestling in
this one, playing up each other's storied Amateur
credentials, but whatever.
Anyway after a
spirited back and forth match, Brock hits
the F-5, but it doesn't finish, same with
the Anklelock and Angle Slam by Kurt. Lesnar
then hits a 2nd F-5 but elects not to cover; and
instead goes up, and looks to be ready to put
that Wrestlemania exclamation point on the event
with his now legendary OVW shooting star press.
However, Angle is uncharacteristically far from
the corner, a distance that even a standard
splash would have trouble reaching. Brock seems to
hesitate a little, but still makes the
jump, but crashes violently head and neck first
into the mat and directly into Angle's
torso. HOLY FUCK.
With the whole match in
jeopardy, Angle obviously improvises
and calls an audible, and goes for a
cover (he gets two.). Upon second viewing of
the incident, I honestly doubt that Kurt knew the
extent of the damage Lesnar suffered, and probably
figured Brock simply missed the designated
landing. Anyway, with the obvious SSP finish
botched, Brock then summons up the reserve,
and F-5's Kurt for the Win and the Title, but
looks extremely dazed and is unable to stand on
his own power and immediately slumps in the
corner after the match. He has this insane dazed
and queasy look on his face, the same you'd have
if you walked in on Mom and Dad making love.
At this point he looks like he's going
to seriously hurl. Right
then I channel Vince/Droz
from "Beyond the Mat" and begin yelling
"HE'S GONNA PUKE! HE'S GONNA
PUKE!" This goes over in the room as
well as you'd
expect.
Anyway, at
this point, Brock was probably supposed to
embrace Kurt, but he was in as bad way,
and Kurt, still not knowing how bad Lesnar is
hurt, is heard saying "What the Fuck is he
doing?" to the Referee who then informs Angle
of the status. Angle then goes over and a
weary Brock extends his hand and the two men
embrace. Brock then dies. He was 25.
(just kidding.)
Winner and NEW WWE
Champion: Brock Lesnar, who apparently flies about
as well as John F. Kennedy jr. I suggest he not
try that again. (Or you know, not leap 20 feet
across the ring. There's a reason dudes like
Kidman leave motherfuckers like a foot away from
the buckles.).
/5
End
show.
FINAL
THOUGHTS: All in all , I wasn't sure
what to think of this Wrestlemania, but
eventually I settled on liking it, because
usually you just get no more than two great
matches at the Big Event, and we got Three, and
arguably four. So, I'll give it the ol' Sean
Carless Seal Of
Approval. Thumbs
up.
I'm
Sean.
