REMEMBER THE MEXICOOLS?
Most people might not realize this, but
at one time, during the onset of my "writing career", I wrote
entirely serious research pieces on Professional
Wrestling. The problem was, as I progressed, my natural
instincts to write completely insane rambling comments amidst
these pieces began to surface, and eventually my work mutated
into a bizarre hybrid of information and insanity, that
I soon coined as "Insanformation". These works
eventually laid dormant. UNTIL NOW. And we all
have my good friend and Wrestlecrap Emperor RD Reynolds to thank.
For last weekend, RD emailed me, asking me what, if any,
memories of "The Mexicools" I had, for he was inducting them
into Wrestlecrap lore, in honor of this year's
prestigious STINKO DE MAYO~! which of course is a tongue-in-cheek
homage to Cinco De Mayo, which as we all know
is Spanish for...The Fifth of The Mayo! (I may have
flunked this class.).
However,
while several of my WC Brethren chimed in with a few minor
details to help out, I, after heavily drinking--tequila--in
honor of Stinko De Mayo-- sent him back a rambling, ridiculous
diatribe of verbal diarrhea, reeking with the aforementioned
"Insanformation" I told you about. I of course never
expected RD to use any of it, because of its sheer madness, so
I planned on posting it here in what will be the first of
hopefully many of these very-brief writing flurries that will
not only REMIND and INFORM, but question the very
validity of my freedom to roam around, amongst normal adjusted
society. I call it "WRESTLING IN A NUTSHELL",
as I just basically give you a quick & dirty bio on
an angle or a wrestler that you may have forgotten about. It's
a great way to waste time and LEARN. Learn that Mom should
have turned off the TV when I was 11 and taken me to the
Psychiatrist, that is. Or in honor of tonight's entry:
a PSICIATRIST. I mean,
really, who wouldn't trust a masked medical practitioner
with huge protruding devil horns? Everyone? Maybe.
However~!
This just in. Apparently RD LOVED my ramblings SO
much, that he insisted on using my write
up in this week's
Wrestlecrap induction.
VINDICATION~! So, thanks RD! And to those who wondered
what the actual "Director's cut", full (with
even some parts I didn't include in the email) "Wrestling
in A Nutshell" submission looked like, well, here it is.
So, let us turn back the clock to yesteryear and remember
THE MEXICOOLS~!:
Ah, The Mexicools. I sadly
remember quite a bit about the Mexicools.They debuted as heels
all wearing matching coveralls and driving "Juan Deere"
tractors, because, apparently, to Vince McMahon, this is the
only vocation Mexicans are capable of procuring. It was
either this, or picking lettuce. But I honestly still think
they're saving that one for Rey Mysterio in the event
he's re-tooled. And why not? He'd be great at it. He
wouldn't even have to bend-over to pick them up! The basket
would already be up to his shoulders! He'd have a HUGE
advantage! Ahem.
However, the
Mexicools stint as evil wrestling gardeners was
short-lived, because soon they turned babyface,
likely because, quite frankly, who could boo a landscaper
capable of moonsaults? (Which I'd assume would come in
tremendously handy for those hard-to-reach branches during
pruning. A man who can use gardening shears upside down is a
man I want doing my hedges~! ).
One strange thing though,
that always stuck out for me, was them beating down
Christian in his hometown during Xian's "Peep Show" (and with
Juvi being on there? BOY, IRONY.) for NO REASON. It never
led anywhere and just made Christian look stupid. In fact, I
heard it was SO embarrassing to the Charisma Military, that
Christian was officially demoted from Captain to Lieutenant.
His dreams of reaching Ring General may never be accomplished.
What a shame.
The trio made their
*official* PPV debut beating the bWo in a six man match. The
most memorable part of this was Richards, Nova & Meanie
all riding "Big Wheels" to the ring to mock The Mexicool's
lawnmower entrance. Oh, and of course Nova's bandana flying
off in mid-match revealing SIMON DEAN underneath, KAYFABE BE
DAMNED~! It was kind of like seeing Batman unmasked as Richard
Simmons. Which actually makes sense now that I think about it.
Only a gay man would make Robin prance about in a tiny pair of
green scaly underoos. He's got BILLIONS, but can't spring for
a pair of slacks? COME ON!
From there, Super Crazy & Regular
Psicosis were mostly working as a standard tag team while Juvi
or "The Juice" (a nickname I suggested better suited Batista
at that point...) wrestled for and won the Cruiserweight title
from Nunzio, in a match at No Mercy where heat and fan
interest was barred from ringside! What, WWE didn't invoke
those stipulations? Oh. On a side note, I always found it odd
that Crazy & Psicosis had names that invoked
unbridled insanity, yet, Juvi did not, and HE
was the guy whilst in WCW, who got high on Ex and
stripped nude in the hallway of an Australian hotel. My theory
was that it was only done to debunk certain scandalous
rumors once and for all that he was in fact a 12 year old
girl. Let's just hope Shannon Moore doesn't follow (birthday)
suit. (and when you already look like a chick anyway, is
rockin' the name "Shannon" really in your best
interests?).
 From there, Juvi would reign as
Cruiserweight Champion, but soon rumors began circulating
that he started getting a chip on his shoulder, or in honor of
his Mexican heritage, a tortilla. Apparently, dude started
coming up with outlandish ideas for himself to WWE Creative,
but they were all rejected. And not just because the guy had a
vocabulary that made Great Khali sound like fucking John
Houseman and no one knew just what the hell he was ever
saying. Not even.
After all that "heat", he eventually
lost the title to man who at least exhibited the complete
opposite documented drug and attitude problems...umm, Kid
Kash? Holy shit. He was then released. The Juice was indeed
loose. There was no ecstasy in the completely legitimate
country of Mexicool that day. There may have been ecstasy in
his duffle bag, however. :)
As for the other Mexicools,
Crazy & Psicosis, they continued teaming and feuded with
MNM. My suggestion that Crazy & Psicosis call themselves
Smarties to begin an all-out war of delicious hard-shelled
chocolate candy obviously fell on deaf ears. Those
fools.
Around June of 2006, Psicosis
spontaneously turned heel on Crazy, and then...disappeared the
next week completely after doing a JOB for Crazy... and
for only one third of what an American gets paid! I'll be here
all week, ladies & gentlemen! Psi remained on WWE payroll
officially until November where he was *officially released*
after being charged with Grand Theft Auto in Mexico. If only
he was able to toggle through a slew of interchangeable
weapons or get the hot vehicle to the Pay & Spray,
this may have all been avoided! Ahem. On a side note, my
theory was that the only reason he got caught at all was,
because, really, how fast can a get-away-mower really
go? I mean, really?
Anyway, I have no idea what
happened to Psicosis (a name he probably kind of regrets
rolling with in retrospect, come court time) but I do know
this; if I was him, I'd definitely have broken out that mask
while he was in the police line-up! You know, so he wouldn't
stand out at all....
So, ya, that just left Super Crazy. Who
I was sad to see never properly treated for the obvious mental
issues his name suggests. A medical condition for the
record known in Latin as Luchadorus Insanus. I know this
because I have a degree in Wrestling Psychology. I can
prescribe pills and think of logical ways to transition the
working of a subsequent body part into the finish of a
match.
But really, calling yourself Super
Crazy? A name like that is a cry for help! I'm telling
you. In my heart, I hope, with WWE's guidance and support, one
day, somehow, he'll get to the point where he’ll just be
known as "Somewhat Crazy". The help is out there! You just
have to ask! Ahem.
That all said, lone
Mexicool, the increasingly fat Super Crazy (Super
Hungry?) can currently be not-seen every week on Sunday
Night Heat, where he now forms a heterosexual
life-partnership with Hacksaw Jim Duggan! A tandem, where
sadly, the enunciation of Crazy's hometown by Lillian usually
lasts longer than the actual matches. But still, it's
Duggan & Crazy as a tag team! It's USA and You,
Esse!, making beautiful music together. And a better
partnership I cannot recall. I mean, wasn't Jim Duggan a
coverall wearing custodian in his last days in WCW? And yet,
here he is, teaming with another coverall wearing
landscaper? Some partnerships just make sense. Even if
you can't really unclog a commode properly with a two by four,
or cultivate a Mulberry bush with flying headscissors.
Flying head shears? Maybe. All I know is, all they need
to do now is find a Dish Washer and a pool boy, and they
can form the greatest stable ever. Even if they all make
35 dollars a week combined.
And ya, that's all I can
remember about The Mexicools. Other than apparently it's
not a real country or something. Boy was that awkward when I
went to the travel agency. Next thing you know, I'll be
re-routed when I take my planned vacation to Parts Unknown
next month. Maybe I'll just go to Dudleyville instead. The
Weather's nicer this time of year.
Sean Carless
is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have
been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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