SEXUAL PREDATOR
Tag
line: He came. He Conquered. Then He Came
Again. Then He Got Injured. And No One Noticed. Or
Cared.
Running Time: 15 Minutes(!)
Starring: Arnold
Schwarzenegger, "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry;
Plot: Sent to earth (to
likely elapse a 10 year "Predator" contract they
now likely completely regret)
an extra-terrestrial hunter (Mark
Henry), with a voracious sexual appetite (and
armed with a slew of BODY SLAMS) goes on "Safari"
in the jungles of Central America, hunting
human beings, looking for
transvestites, bending frying pans in half,
and desperately trying not to accidentally
set off his own thermal nuclear device and blow
himself up. (good luck).
Along the way, he meets
a Commando who's sexual urges even
outweigh his own. They debate who has bedded more
unattractive masculine women. Hilarity
ensues. The Predator then stumbles into his own
net and dies. No one is
surprised.
Roger
Ebert says: "I want to tell you the
films first 15 minutes were at
least action-packed before the Predator
clumsily stumbles and kills himself, but
unfortunately, 12 of those 15 minutes were a
prolonged bearhug. Then, rather than using
his alien weaponry to finish the
fight, he just tore a phone book in half
for no reason.
Strange".
ROB VAN HELSING
Tag
line: This Summer, only one man will be
left standing when the smoke clears. He's Van
Helsing, and he's just your tokin'
Vampire slayer...
Running Time: 90 Minutes;
Starring: Rob Van Dam, Kate
Beckinsale;
Plot: He wastes
Vampires...then gets wasted! RVD portrays famed
vampire-slayer Van Helsing in this variation of
Bram Stoker's literary tale; only tackling
the undead with a "chemically-induced"
laid-back disposition. The trouble though is
getting Nosferatu to lay on the ground long enough
for a Rolling thunder....
Roger
Ebert says: "To be honest, I found
some of the action scenes a little far fetched at
times. For example, one minute Van Helsing is
mauled by the wolf-man, and two minutes later he's
back on offense as if nothing happened. A little
supernatural psychology would be nice. That
however pales in comparison to when he throws a
stake at a vampire, who catches it, and
then stands completely still for 3 seconds so
Van Helsing can spin-kick it into his heart.
The most absurd
part though involved a flask of Holy water
that he converts into a Bong. He
then rolls a giant joint out of the
Mummy's bandages and spends the remainder of the
film passed out surrounded by empty funyon
bags..."
BIG SHOW IN LITTLE
CHINA
Running Time: 90 Minutes;
Tagline: Even
the unbridled power of
centuries-old Chinese black magic can't
pull anything good out of this guy.
Starring: Big Show, Kim
Catrall, and the guy from Seinfeld's Chinese
restaurant as "Lo Pan".
Plot: After accidentally
mispronouncing "goof", Big Show unwittingly
unleashes all the dark forces of Chinese lore!
Roger Ebert says:
"The story
opens up with Jack Burton (Big Show) making a
pit-stop in Chinatown after devouring all the
cargo aboard "The Pork-chop
Express". Eventually, he discovers that
he is actually kin to Lo Pan, when it's
revealed that his birth name is "Frying Pan"...
named in honor of the size of his hands. He then
tries to cook his friend Egg in said
hands. Things pretty much stop making sense
after
that...".
NOT WALKING T'ALL
Tagline: He'd stand up for
justice...if only he could.
Running Time: 85 Minutes
Starring: Droz, Neal
McDonough, Johnny Knoxville;
Plot: Chris Vaughn is a
former military man with a penchant for
regurgitating on command, being a fifth wheel
(literally!) and possessing an uncanny
flair for exotic hats.
Chris returns to his hometown
to see it over-run with drugs and crime. Being a
man of conviction, Vaughn decides he isn't going
to take this laying down... but unfortunately, he
doesn't exactly have much of a choice there.
His heart however is in the right place. Maybe.
We'll have to get some X-Rays done to make
sure...
Roger
Ebert says: "A lot of the
big fight scenes seemed a little unrealistic,
as basically everyone was just running into
Vaughn's chair, flailing about, even
though he basically just sat there
puking"
Plus, you can also tell
that Vince Russo likely had a hand in
this movie, as it's ultimately
revealed that Vaughn really was the
"pusher man" all
along....".
THE HULK
Tag
line: And you thought he didn't sell for
anyone before.....
Running Time: 115
Minutes
Starring: Hulk Hogan,
Jennifer Connelly;
Plot: Years of prolonged
exposure to the sun, coupled with trace amounts of
anabolics in his bloodstream, cause the normally
mild-mannered Orange Goblin to become a green mass
of raging emotions, bruther!"
Roger
Ebert
says:"Get ready to see Hulk Hogan as
we have never seen
him before!.... One that shrugs off all
his enemies offense, tears clothes
enthusiastically from his body, is an unnatural
color, and whom always comes back from
seemingly insurmountable and completely
unrealistic odds!..."
See You
At The Movies!!!! Or in the dumpster. Save us
whatever's left of that jelly donut in
there.
