|
 BROCK
LESNAR:
WRESTLING
WITH
FOOTBALL.
By
Sean Carless
(originally
posted in Spring
2004).
It is said that it's Brock
Lesnar's dream to play in the NFL, but after a
week in training camp "The Next Big Thing" is
seemingly having some difficulty in adjusting to
his new surroundings. Mainly, an out and out
refusal to wear pants on the field. But hey, who'd
want to tackle or receive a ball from the ass-end
of a dude only wearing the smallest briefs
imaginable? Maybe it's a smarter strategy than we
could ever imagine...
That said, although Lesnar is
clearly athletically gifted, and his heart is in
the right place (freeze-dried in a bar fridge in
Vince McMahon's office) Brock has apparently been
responsible for several "incidents" that have been
raising more than a few eyebrows. Regular eyebrows
that is, and not "people's" one's. Because that'd
be absurd. Clearly. Anyway, at this point, it is
not known whether Lesnar will be able to make the
full transition to Pro Football until certain
"instincts" subside. These "incidents" are briefly
listed below and have not been altered in any way
other than being completely fabricated and made
up. Ahem.
Lesnar's
Recent Follies:
"F-5 Yard
Line".
Despite being told many times,
Lesnar refuses to stop charging
line-men in his own "unique" manner, which
includes scooping them up and twirling them
through the air. He also misunderstood the
referee's call of a flag on the play, hearing the
word "fag" and going berserk." I
don't like Gays !" Lesnar growled. Before
bending over again, and fondly thinking back to
his days of pantslessly cinching and grinding
men in the completely un-gay world of Amateur
Wrestling.
Also, Brock has been reprimanded on several
occasions for discussing impending plays with the
RIVAL team, eventually coming to his own
defense by spouting that his only intention was to
"put together a believable game." The following
was transcribedfrom this
controversialmoment:
**Lesnar
approaches other team's
huddle**
Brock: "So,
guys; here's what's going to happen. You catch the
kick off, and you get about say 40 yards out. Then
I'll tackle you and retrieve the ball. Then for
the next, I don't know, 10-15 minutes, I'll get
the heat and go to about the 95 Yard line, when
suddenly you make the hot tag to your
line-men. From there, you'll make the big
babyface comeback, catch the ball, give me a Rock
Bottom, and get the touchdown.
That's the finish."
Opposing Teams'
Quarter-Back: "Umm, Football is real,
Brock."
Brock: "Holy
fuck, since
when?!..."
Very
sad.
"Dying to see the Big
Game".
Recently,
Brock was responsible for somewhat of a P.R.
nightmare when he hurled a visiting "Make A Wish"
Foundation youngster down the steep Stadium
stairs. Brock's defense was that he thought it
would generate some great "Heel Heat" for the
team, and that at his previous vocation, "that's
what you did with crippled retards". Perhaps,
wiping the child's blood on his own chest was not
the best recourse either...
"Here
Comes The Plane!"
Much to
the dismay of his Coaches and other players, Brock
has opted on several occasions to park his
sprawling Private Jet on the 50 Yard Line.
"Like it's going to fit in the
fucking parking lot!" said Brock
ignorantly.
The only person even mildly amused by the
situation seems to be current Smackdown color
analyst, Tazz, who constantly shows up at games
and runs onto the field and yells "HERE COMES
THE PLANE!" to little reaction. " What? dat's
no good? Well, what if I said sumfin about it
bein' off a da chain or a reo rocketbusta? No?
Well, I can say odder 'tings dat don't sound
retahded, you know! Really, it's true! Dey
just don't
ever
let me" said a disgruntled Tazz, before
breaking into tears and taking his own life while
Paul Heyman explained the way he was choking
himself was illegal in judo but legal in
wrestling. Or
something.
"Brock
Tease".
Despite
Brock's best intentions, Brock's
"hand-picked" Cheerleader has proven to be
somewhat distracting to his own team-mates (as
seen right), and thanks to her seemingly
dissolving in the Team's hot tub backstage, many
players were not able to utilize it to loosen up
their muscles and subsequently half the squad is
now on injury reserve.
Brock's reply to the
situation was also met with
disdain: "How was I supposed to know
she'd disintegrate? Since when does plastic melt
at really high temperatures? This is
all BS. I coulda just put 'em in the
Brock-lock if they were so fucking insistent
on gettin' stretched out. All they had to do was
ask!".
"An
Explosive
Performance".
Much to the terror of almost
everyone involved, Brock apparently misunderstood
the Coach's request for Lesnar to "go for a long
bomb", which unfortunately wielded some disturbing
results. "I don't get it." said Brock after the
tragedy. "Big Show used to blow up all the time in
the ring with me, and no one ever died...".
"The
Funky Chicken's for
Pussies".
Although most NFL players utilize
their own trademarked "End Zone dance", Brock's is
apparently none too popular. His repeated
climbing of the goal post, and subsequent
"Shooting Star Press" and "50
foot face-plant" has proven to be an
unpopular routine amongst disgruntled players.
Especially for those who attempt to catch the
plummeting Lesnar, or the team mascot that
was unfortunately killed by its impact.
"I don't see what the big deal was with the
Mascot" said Brock. "Vince used to
always tell us guys in masks weren't
worth shit. I just don't get it. So what if he
could do cool flips and appealed to the crowds?
He's just not credible. Ask Vince, he'll tell
you all about
it..."
Anyway,
the Coach apparently suggested a
fair compromise where Lesnar is only allowed
to leap in the event he's wearing the
parachute from his plane, but a reliable
source has come forward and stated that on March
20th, Vince McMahon apparently exchanged the pack
for a bag filled with cement and anvils. How
weird.
That all
said, we here at the Wrestling Fan.com hope that
Lesnar finds his legs out there, or at least
covers them with some pants, and becomes the "NFL
SUPERSTAR" we all know he can be. He just
needs to stop putting QB's in bear-hugs and acting
befuddled as to why the game's not instantly over
when they "tap out".
Good
luck, Brock!
Sean
Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those
hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's
various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
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