Every now and then—right before they learn their lesson forever—friends and loved ones make the catastrophic mistake of asking me for movie recommendations. Being the professional pain-in-the-ass that I am, I purposely never give a normal answer. Instead, I serve up a completely unhinged, absurd synopsis that is somehow still 100% true. Enjoy these cinematic fever dreams, that are still somehow more accurate than some of the synopsis’s you’ll see on Netflix these days… Dirty

They say the times, they are a-changing. I think. It’s pretty much impossible to decipher anything Bob Dylan says without the skilled linguists behind the translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls, or technology that hasn’t been invented yet. Seriously. Making sense of the Rosetta Stone from its original Egyptian hieroglyphs takes less laborious effort than trying to parse the lyrics of Dylan’s greatest hits. I think he does that shit on purpose, and I think he really speaks with t

Historians have long debated the great milestones of civilization: the wheel, fire, the printing press, sliced bread. All noble. All useful. Some even world-changing. Fleeting breaths of brilliance given form from a world of possibility. And then there is the dick pic. A perceived celebratory gesture, often rejected with scorn and disgust. But where did it begin? How did this come to be? From the very beginning? Inception? One can only imagine Adam, fresh off creation, strutt

(The following was originally published in November 2011.) You know what I could go an entire lifetime without ever experiencing again? BEING RUN OVER. Oh, and maybe Reality TV show, X-Factor. But mostly the first one. And I know what you’re all saying – “weren’t you already ran over in 2008 after enjoying a light lunch, tripping varying boisterous children in Blockbuster, and then procuring the underrated Season 2 of Dexter on DVD?” YES. I WAS. But if you are asking this ve

Or How I learned to beat a One-Note joke into the ground. (Originally published May 5th, 2009) A discovery has recently been made that could change the course of human history--and frequent masturbation--FOREVER. That's right Aficionados of blowing out the brains of the bald bull and corralling the tadpoles, (I myself actually majored in masturbation in 2000, graduating Magna Cum Often), Megan Fox, best known for her riveting, Academy-Award winning performance in the field of

QUICK & DIRTY REVIEW: FRIDAY THE 13TH~! (2009) By Sean Carless Movie: FRIDAY THE 13th YEAR: 2009. STARRING: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Reghetti, Derek Mears,Travis Van Winkle, Rip Van Winkle, Willa Ford. RATED: R; For Violence, Tittays, angry retards. WARNING: Sean Carless does not review movies like Roger Ebert. There are no literary refrences, witty analogies and clever insight. Instead, replaced therein is... well, you'll see. I'm the "people's" movie cr

*Originally written and published in 2004 on multiple sites. Join me as I travel back to 1988 to look at Jean-Claude Van Damme's cinematic masterpiece: BLOODSPORT! Academy Award nominee in the category of throwin' wheel kicks in slow motion, baby! It's Frank Dux's real-life story of competing in the Kumite! The only tournament, where after surviving death and grievous injury, one man earns a sword and a plane ticket back to obscurity! MOVIE: BLOODSPORT. YEAR: 1988. STARRING: