To the layman, Mario is but a simple plumber—unwittingly thrust into a strange world of sentient mushrooms and militant turtles, then suddenly expected to save a kingdom he’s never known because he was accidentally sucked down a pipe. And we never do find out whether the job he was originally contracted for paid restitution after subjecting him to an insanely unsafe workplace environment—let alone how he explained the seemingly impossible insurance claim upon returning to the

In the annals of human achievement, few figures stand as tall—or as widely—as Steven Seagal. Here is a man who did not merely study martial arts; he perfected them. Who did not merely act in action films; he transcended the very concept of vulnerability. Who did not merely marry supermodel Kelly LeBrock; he somehow convinced the universe that this was a reasonable outcome. And who, according to various reports and his own enduring mystique, has at times operated as a lawman,

Every now and then—right before they learn their lesson forever—friends and loved ones make the catastrophic mistake of asking me for movie recommendations. Being the professional pain-in-the-ass that I am, I purposely never give a normal answer. Instead, I serve up a completely unhinged, absurd synopsis that is somehow still 100% true. Enjoy these cinematic fever dreams, that are still somehow more accurate than some of the synopsis’s you’ll see on Netflix these days… Dirty