Everything that I’ve ever learned, I learned from television. It’s true. Sorry, teachers. While you were prattling on about the formation of our confederation, our history of fur trapping and fucking portaging—to the point where my hometown has even built and operates a much-celebrated canoe museum (which I always imagined has two exhibits: “Were you aware that the earliest canoe was nothing more than an oblong, hollowed-out wooden boat? And now they’re made of fiberglass. En

In the annals of human achievement, few figures stand as tall—or as widely—as Steven Seagal. Here is a man who did not merely study martial arts; he perfected them. Who did not merely act in action films; he transcended the very concept of vulnerability. Who did not merely marry supermodel Kelly LeBrock; he somehow convinced the universe that this was a reasonable outcome. And who, according to various reports and his own enduring mystique, has at times operated as a lawman,

Every now and then—right before they learn their lesson forever—friends and loved ones make the catastrophic mistake of asking me for movie recommendations. Being the professional pain-in-the-ass that I am, I purposely never give a normal answer. Instead, I serve up a completely unhinged, absurd synopsis that is somehow still 100% true. Enjoy these cinematic fever dreams, that are still somehow more accurate than some of the synopsis’s you’ll see on Netflix these days… Dirty

They say the times, they are a-changing. I think. It’s pretty much impossible to decipher anything Bob Dylan says without the skilled linguists behind the translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls, or technology that hasn’t been invented yet. Seriously. Making sense of the Rosetta Stone from its original Egyptian hieroglyphs takes less laborious effort than trying to parse the lyrics of Dylan’s greatest hits. I think he does that shit on purpose, and I think he really speaks with t

Historians have long debated the great milestones of civilization: the wheel, fire, the printing press, sliced bread. All noble. All useful. Some even world-changing. Fleeting breaths of brilliance given form from a world of possibility. And then there is the dick pic. A perceived celebratory gesture, often rejected with scorn and disgust. But where did it begin? How did this come to be? From the very beginning? Inception? One can only imagine Adam, fresh off creation, strutt

(The following was originally published in November 2011.) You know what I could go an entire lifetime without ever experiencing again? BEING RUN OVER. Oh, and maybe Reality TV show, X-Factor. But mostly the first one. And I know what you’re all saying – “weren’t you already ran over in 2008 after enjoying a light lunch, tripping varying boisterous children in Blockbuster, and then procuring the underrated Season 2 of Dexter on DVD?” YES. I WAS. But if you are asking this ve