Hollywood has always been a town built on secrecy. Scripts are locked away in underground vaults. Actors are smuggled onto sets beneath tarps. Studio executives communicate exclusively through burner phones. Actresses pretend they didn’t have sex with Harvey Weinstein for five minutes of screen time in Jackie Brown. I digress. Marvel, in particular, guards its upcoming movies with the sort of security normally reserved for launch codes within the nuclear football, alien autop

In the annals of human achievement, few figures stand as tall—or as widely—as Steven Seagal. Here is a man who did not merely study martial arts; he perfected them. Who did not merely act in action films; he transcended the very concept of vulnerability. Who did not merely marry supermodel Kelly LeBrock; he somehow convinced the universe that this was a reasonable outcome. And who, according to various reports and his own enduring mystique, has at times operated as a lawman,

Every now and then—right before they learn their lesson forever—friends and loved ones make the catastrophic mistake of asking me for movie recommendations. Being the professional pain-in-the-ass that I am, I purposely never give a normal answer. Instead, I serve up a completely unhinged, absurd synopsis that is somehow still 100% true. Enjoy these cinematic fever dreams, that are still somehow more accurate than some of the synopsis’s you’ll see on Netflix these days… Dirty